Going out too much can make you feel crazy. No locale however, can compete on the crazy scale with The Box, Manhattan’s whacky version of a Freak Show, Cabaret, and Dinner Theater rolled tightly into one notoriously high-priced package. All the glittery songs, stripping, contortionists, and acts of defilement start at $2,000 minimum just to sit at a table, further bottle minimums apply after that.

Last year at this time, The Box was a-booming. Since then, the below-the-radar theater that seemed untouchable has suffered through typical New York club angst (license issues, cop raids, busts). I personally hadn’t been there since their celebrity studded scandal in August (patrons on the night of the shutdown included Cameron Diaz and Jay-Z). It took a trip to Chrystie Street this weekend to fully remember what a jungle that place really is. My initial description from last year:

The Box is different. It’s not a club. It’s a black box stage, but with very extravagant French décor; red plush leather seats, a golden balcony, heavy crimson curtains that encircle tables for privacy, and my favorite touch, Babar wallpaper. People don’t come here to dance like angry gorillas like they do at Pink Elephant. People come to sit, chill out, enjoy the ambiance, champagne and to watch the show.

The Box puts on a new show every week hosted by the infamous MC – a bleach blonde transvestite with red lips, devil horns, long nails and a spandex suit which he inevitably ends up stripping out of to reveal his intricate body art and the phrase “Made in America” tattooed across his stomach. The MC always sings, always addresses the crowd as “motherfuckas” and usually begins the night by stripping some victimized guy from the audience on stage and having topless girls spray him with champagne. This is followed by a series of variety numbers that range from strip teases, singers belting ballads, erotica and comedy sketches. Think Cabaret style: Germany, World War II. The show lasts about half an hour, there’s one at around 1 am and another around 2:30 – although there’s no set schedule.

What I learned this time around is that it’s one thing to enjoy a full evening at The Box, arriving at 12 or 1 AM, settling in, eating your popcorn, focusing on the show, talking politely amongst your table. It’s quite another to show up at 3 AM when you’re already drunk and seeing stars…because if you’re already seeing stars, once you get in The Box, you’ll be seeing comets doing the can-can. The ambiance is just that dazzling. It’s literally like taking a side trip to the circus on your way home; A foolproof way to extricate yourself from any sense of reality, which is perhaps why workaholic New Yorkers love it so. Cause sure, we’re in Manhattan, but for some reason swirling around The Box late night you feel like you could be anywhere, any time zone, any country. Most conversations you have with people don’t even make sense.

Example:

Person 1: Popcorn.
Person 2: John’s gotta get on stage. We’re getting John on stage.
Person 3: Is that a girl or a guy?
Person 1: I dunno. I think they have a tail.
Person 2: Popcorn?
Person 3: Wait, a tail in the back or the front?
Person 2: Are they really twins?
Person 1: (mouth full) This popcorn feels like ale.
Person 2: Taste. You mean, tastes.
Person 3: What do you think it’s like to get whipped like that every night?
Person 2: Ashley does have John pretty whipped.
Person 1: Holly shit, is John on stage?
Person 3: No, that’s just someone who looks like John wearing a hazmat suit.
Person 2: Oh.
Person 1: Where did you say you were from again?

fade out

And the later you go, the more risqué the show. Around the time sex toys are in every act and you’re thinking, ‘wow, I never knew a rubber ducky could be used for that,’ you know it’s time to leave. Luckily, my girlfriend yanked me out of there just before the lights came up. Thank goodness, because these atrocities, while deliriously fabulous at night are definitely frightening by day.

Miss Model Behavior’s the new nightlife writer for theBlaqlist.com. Feel free to post any nightlife comments or questions on our forum or contact her at MissModelBehavior@theBlaqlist.com